Finding out my broken heart wasn’t actually broken at all

Written by Author, Dear Thor

Maybe it’s as simple as making the choice not to feel heartbroken. Every time the pain sneaks up on me or I’m reminded of you, I’m going to actively choose not to indulge it. It just occurred to me that I have a choice. I didn’t get to choose what happened during our relationship or even how it ended.

But the only thing I have a choice about – is how I’m going to feel about it. I can’t control the past or the future. But this, this is in my control.

From this moment on, I choose to stop replaying it over and over again in my head in an attempt to assign blame, to pinpoint the exact moment it all fell apart. In the end, it’s irrelevant.

Tracking the where, when and why makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland looking down the rabbit hole only to realize there’s no end in sight. As effective as a caged hamster on a track wheel, running for it’s life never realizing it’s running in circles and never actually getting anywhere.

So, I’m choosing to let “us” go. Moving on with my life may be the best testament to what you and I shared. You made me love again, I now know how much love I have to give. Being able to love someone else may be the best proof of what we really had.

Like a doctor in the ER who jump starts a heart that is about to stop. You pulled me back from the abyss. Like a doctor who gives their patient a second chance to live, you gave me a second chance to love. But now, like any patient who’s spent enough time in the recovery unit at the hospital, there comes a point when it’s time to check out and get back to real life. I guess our relationship was a little like that for me. While it was healing, it always felt temporary in my mind. Even when things were great between us, every time I’d watch you walk out that door it would occur to me that there was always a very distinct possibility that this could be the last time I’d ever see you again. Living in purgatory was no way to live. It should show you how much I loved you that I was even willing to endure that. But now, it’s time to get back to real life.

After conducting a detailed autopsy of our failed relationship I’ve come to the conclusion that we weren’t a failure at all, quite the contrary, actually. And I am certain with all the fibers in my being that I will love again.

 

In fact, I’m pretty sure I will always feel grateful to the man who jump started my heart because without him how else would I have been able to get back on track?